Feeling Neglected...

I PROMISED myself that I would continue to write faithfully on this blog and I have failed miserably. I want to offer my apologies and again my heart to those of you who continue to suffer.

What sparked this post was a talk in church on Sunday that pulled tightly on my heart strings. Another woman poured out her soul as she shared her current journey of trying to conceive a child. It has already been a long road for her and I can only remember too well when I was in the same boat. I have an understanding of the consistent dull ache that wears on your heart. It's painful.

I want to be here to offer support and hope. For some of you you will most definitely experience a joyful pregnancy of your own while others will have their lives changed and hearts mended through adoption. Where ever this journey ends for you I can promise that it WILL end. :) And it will end happily. You know yourself best. Trust that and it will take you to that journeys end. In the mean time share your aches and pains and cry on a few shoulders. Mine is available. :)

All My Love,

Halley

Still Aching Hearts: This is for you K

"I started trying to get pregnant around the same time you did (May of 2007.) I'm on my 2nd fertility specialist, and starting treatment with chlomid. The only difference between our "diagnosis" is that they have no idea what is causing our infertility, but decided just to go with chlomid anyway. I started it this month and found that it produced too many mature follicles and was forbidden by the doctor to try to get pregnant at the risk of multiples. I'm thinking, "Do you know what I would give to have twins, triplets, even quadruplets at this point?" But doc says it's too dangerous, so I'm forced to actually prevent the chance of pregnancy this month. One month of purposefully NOT allowing children to come into my arms has just about broken me. If doc says the same thing next month, I may just be irrational and ignore him. The treatments and invasive exams don't really bother me anymore after the desperate, endless months of heartbreak when my period comes again... and again... and again. It is a comfort to know I'm not alone in my struggles, that others have gone through the same and that Heavenly Father will eventually bless us with the desire of our hearts. Your success gives me hope. :)My infertility is still a secret to most. It's hard to keep up the wall, but I think for me it would be harder if everyone knew because I'd receive even more of the ignorant comments that we know so well...Thank you for sharing your story. It has blessed my life and given me some moments of peace in this seemingly endless trial..."

Oh, how I know this unforgiving road so well. The worst is wondering if it will ever end; if there's a miracle at the end of it. You don't care how far you have to go, you'll travel any distance, but you don't want to go in vain. You don't want the agonizing journey to be for nothing.

My heart aches along with you. Every month is an eternity and you want to take EVERY opportunity possible. Chlomid can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I was opposite. I did not respond at all to it at first and then after combining it with my metformin, miraculously, it worked. I am hoping that your doctor did not start you on the lowest dose so maybe you can try again on a lower dose?

I am hoping and praying that your mind and heart can find some peace during this nightmare. And that you will soon have everything you want lying sweetly in your arms.

All my love,

Halley

The Sweet Release

These past two weeks I have been preparing a talk fo Sacrament that I have to give this Sunday. Ironically, my topic is "the Lord's tender mercies." I am feeling a little guilty knowing that had I been asked to prepare this a few months ago, it would have been impossible. A few months ago, my heart was breaking. A few months ago, I was bitter at the world. A few months ago, I couldn't help but question my Heavenly Father's love for me when, logically, I knew He did. A few months ago, often I was crying myself to sleep. A few months ago, I was weak.

But finally, when I thought I was for sure going to split right down the middle, I found myself wrapped up in the arms of my Heavenly Father blessing me with the chance I had waited for for so long. It was nothing short of glorious as that pregnany test slowly turned positive. The trial that had weighed me down heavier and heavier over these past 15 months was realeased, and it was sweet.

My heart is still a little heavy because I wish for everyone that suffers trying to get pregnant and failing over and over again, and those whose precious little ones are taken away that they will soon experience the sweet release of anguish and find a bundle of joy in their arms. My success doesn't take away the fact that others may not find my same ending, but I pray with all my heart that whatever ending they find, that it will be happy. My prayers are still strong for those wishing for a little one of their own. A woman who is denied her own children suffers deeply. I have tasted a small portion of this bitterness and it is poisioning. Wrap your arms tightly around them. Tell them you love them. Cry with them and pray for them.

All my love,

Halley

P.S. I wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to NANCY who left a sweet, thoughtful comment. I love hearing that this reaches more people than I think and that they are affected. Nancy, your words were so touching and I know that you love and cherish your little ones. How lucky they are to have you.

The Wait is Over and The Results Are In...

WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!! And so beyond excited!!!

P.S. Both of those pee sticks (yep, I said it) are hanging triumphantly on my fridge!!! Bring on the morning sickness! :)

TTC Diaries Part Six

All I have to say is that waiting stinks... :)

Feels Like Finals Week!

I say that only because Nate and I have so many doctors appointments scheduled this week and I had one last week already. So many tests that it feels like finals week! :)

This morning I popped in to the doctor for more blood work. She wanted to do another TSH (thyroid check) because my last blood work came back low for TSH. That means that my thyroid is a little OVER active and would require a lower dose of medication. My doctor wanted to test it again just to make sure that lowering my prescription is the right thing. When I was first diagnosed w/hypo thyroid (UNDER active thyroid), my TSH was SUPER high. That's why she's questioning lowering my dose. She also did a progesterone test which is the hormone that your body needs to produce a lot of to support the inner lining of the uterus when you are pregnant. (your body produces lots of this near the end of your cycle and if you are not pregnant then your inner lining sheds and Aunt Flow comes a knocking) She said that doing this test can MAYBE give us a better idea if I COULD be pregnant... So nerve-racking! :) I'm supposed to get all the results tomorrow and will not be able to take a pregnancy test until Sunday; granted my period doesn't show up.

THEN, on Wednesday, Nate and I both have physicals for the adoption process. (yes, we are doing that also) Nate ALSO has his little "test" that same day. Poor kid. :) This is how he quotes it: (it's a little gross, so don't read it if you think it might make you uncomfortable) "I get to go early in the morning to get felt up and then a couple hours later I have to do it in a cup." HA! I think he is so funny!!! BIG DAY for Nate! What a sweetheart to go through all of this for me and our little family.

So I'm hoping we pass all of our tests this week w/flying colors!

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Five: GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE!

I had to go back to the doctor a couple days ago for a follow-up after taking the chlomid. They always want to check your ovaries to make sure that the chlomid didn't over stimulate them causing cysts. Everything looked good AND she even said that she thinks I ovulated!!!! Where's the confetti? I even told her about the whole sunburn thing and she didn't think that mattered. I am just floating right now hoping and hoping... :) If my temp. continues to stay above 98.0 degrees for the next day or two, then the doctor said that I FOR SURE ovulated. It HAS been staying up as I've been checking it so I am SO excited! If I don't get my period by the time that we are leaving to go back to MN (which is in a about a week) then I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test. I know you can't see me as I am writing this, but I am just elated and ready to dance around all day like it was Christmas! :)

I have one more trip to the doctor on Monday for some more blood work and Nate is going in to the doctor on Wednesday for his little "test." I am hoping that all of his results come back normal. I'm pretty sure they will, but you never know.

So, YAY!!!! Could this FINALLY be it?

Never Giving Up,

Halley