The Sweet Release

These past two weeks I have been preparing a talk fo Sacrament that I have to give this Sunday. Ironically, my topic is "the Lord's tender mercies." I am feeling a little guilty knowing that had I been asked to prepare this a few months ago, it would have been impossible. A few months ago, my heart was breaking. A few months ago, I was bitter at the world. A few months ago, I couldn't help but question my Heavenly Father's love for me when, logically, I knew He did. A few months ago, often I was crying myself to sleep. A few months ago, I was weak.

But finally, when I thought I was for sure going to split right down the middle, I found myself wrapped up in the arms of my Heavenly Father blessing me with the chance I had waited for for so long. It was nothing short of glorious as that pregnany test slowly turned positive. The trial that had weighed me down heavier and heavier over these past 15 months was realeased, and it was sweet.

My heart is still a little heavy because I wish for everyone that suffers trying to get pregnant and failing over and over again, and those whose precious little ones are taken away that they will soon experience the sweet release of anguish and find a bundle of joy in their arms. My success doesn't take away the fact that others may not find my same ending, but I pray with all my heart that whatever ending they find, that it will be happy. My prayers are still strong for those wishing for a little one of their own. A woman who is denied her own children suffers deeply. I have tasted a small portion of this bitterness and it is poisioning. Wrap your arms tightly around them. Tell them you love them. Cry with them and pray for them.

All my love,

Halley

P.S. I wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to NANCY who left a sweet, thoughtful comment. I love hearing that this reaches more people than I think and that they are affected. Nancy, your words were so touching and I know that you love and cherish your little ones. How lucky they are to have you.

The Wait is Over and The Results Are In...

WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!! And so beyond excited!!!

P.S. Both of those pee sticks (yep, I said it) are hanging triumphantly on my fridge!!! Bring on the morning sickness! :)

TTC Diaries Part Six

All I have to say is that waiting stinks... :)

Feels Like Finals Week!

I say that only because Nate and I have so many doctors appointments scheduled this week and I had one last week already. So many tests that it feels like finals week! :)

This morning I popped in to the doctor for more blood work. She wanted to do another TSH (thyroid check) because my last blood work came back low for TSH. That means that my thyroid is a little OVER active and would require a lower dose of medication. My doctor wanted to test it again just to make sure that lowering my prescription is the right thing. When I was first diagnosed w/hypo thyroid (UNDER active thyroid), my TSH was SUPER high. That's why she's questioning lowering my dose. She also did a progesterone test which is the hormone that your body needs to produce a lot of to support the inner lining of the uterus when you are pregnant. (your body produces lots of this near the end of your cycle and if you are not pregnant then your inner lining sheds and Aunt Flow comes a knocking) She said that doing this test can MAYBE give us a better idea if I COULD be pregnant... So nerve-racking! :) I'm supposed to get all the results tomorrow and will not be able to take a pregnancy test until Sunday; granted my period doesn't show up.

THEN, on Wednesday, Nate and I both have physicals for the adoption process. (yes, we are doing that also) Nate ALSO has his little "test" that same day. Poor kid. :) This is how he quotes it: (it's a little gross, so don't read it if you think it might make you uncomfortable) "I get to go early in the morning to get felt up and then a couple hours later I have to do it in a cup." HA! I think he is so funny!!! BIG DAY for Nate! What a sweetheart to go through all of this for me and our little family.

So I'm hoping we pass all of our tests this week w/flying colors!

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Five: GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE!

I had to go back to the doctor a couple days ago for a follow-up after taking the chlomid. They always want to check your ovaries to make sure that the chlomid didn't over stimulate them causing cysts. Everything looked good AND she even said that she thinks I ovulated!!!! Where's the confetti? I even told her about the whole sunburn thing and she didn't think that mattered. I am just floating right now hoping and hoping... :) If my temp. continues to stay above 98.0 degrees for the next day or two, then the doctor said that I FOR SURE ovulated. It HAS been staying up as I've been checking it so I am SO excited! If I don't get my period by the time that we are leaving to go back to MN (which is in a about a week) then I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test. I know you can't see me as I am writing this, but I am just elated and ready to dance around all day like it was Christmas! :)

I have one more trip to the doctor on Monday for some more blood work and Nate is going in to the doctor on Wednesday for his little "test." I am hoping that all of his results come back normal. I'm pretty sure they will, but you never know.

So, YAY!!!! Could this FINALLY be it?

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Four: Cross Your Fingers...

So, I woke up this morning and took my temperature just like every other day not expecting a thing. You know, ho hum... And then, wait a minute, what's this? Are you serious? Really? Let me just double check...and again...and again. Yep! My temperature is FINALLY UP!!!! A WHOLE degree! It has been hanging around 97.6-97.8 for the past few days and today it was up to 98.8!!!! Now THAT'S what we've been waiting for! HOORAY!!!! Could this be it? Please, please, please...

Unfortunately, I do have to add a little downer to this post. Sorry. It's just that I'm worried that the only reason my temp was up today was because I'm all sunburned from boating yesterday. That, and also, while I had the thermometer in my mouth this morning I wasn't laying down like you're supposed to. I didn't have time because I was up walking around and getting laundry out of the washing machine to put in the dryer. I'm just guessing that ALL of these could be a factor in contributing to the possible flop of a higher temp. I guess well see...

Hey, how about we wait some more? :)

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Three: When the Going Gets Tough...

Well, it's day 17 and no ovulation yet. We've been "trying" every other day since the 8th day and both of us are just tired. I have to give major props to my sweet husband for being such a trooper through all of this. The more days that go by where my BMT does not increase, the more stress, anxiety, anger, disapointment, and plain sadness I feel. It's very hard to keep going feeling this way, but my sweetheart has been keeping me going. I could never get through this without him and I love him so much for that.

I was able to get in touch with my old work in MN and they said I could definitely have my job back when we returned. So, I go back to work on the 4th. I feel grateful for the ease of being able to return to my old job, but I also feel a deep sense of defeat. I was so hopeful and almost positive that I would defninitely be pregnant by the time we got home to MN and instead, there has been no progress.

Last year in Minnesota was the most difficult of my whole life mainly because I felt like such an outsider. I do not want to return to that, but I have no choice. If I thought I could stand not seeing my husband for a few months I'd ask him to let me stay here and work, but there is no way I could stand being without him. He has been my strength and without him I would completely crumble.

So, we keep going... We pray, hope, fast, cry, and plead for a baby. Wishing desperately to be heard; having so much love to give. And just like the video a couple posts back, we wait...

Never Giving Up,

Halley