These past two weeks I have been preparing a talk fo Sacrament that I have to give this Sunday. Ironically, my topic is "the Lord's tender mercies." I am feeling a little guilty knowing that had I been asked to prepare this a few months ago, it would have been impossible. A few months ago, my heart was breaking. A few months ago, I was bitter at the world. A few months ago, I couldn't help but question my Heavenly Father's love for me when, logically, I knew He did. A few months ago, often I was crying myself to sleep. A few months ago, I was weak.
But finally, when I thought I was for sure going to split right down the middle, I found myself wrapped up in the arms of my Heavenly Father blessing me with the chance I had waited for for so long. It was nothing short of glorious as that pregnany test slowly turned positive. The trial that had weighed me down heavier and heavier over these past 15 months was realeased, and it was sweet.
My heart is still a little heavy because I wish for everyone that suffers trying to get pregnant and failing over and over again, and those whose precious little ones are taken away that they will soon experience the sweet release of anguish and find a bundle of joy in their arms. My success doesn't take away the fact that others may not find my same ending, but I pray with all my heart that whatever ending they find, that it will be happy. My prayers are still strong for those wishing for a little one of their own. A woman who is denied her own children suffers deeply. I have tasted a small portion of this bitterness and it is poisioning. Wrap your arms tightly around them. Tell them you love them. Cry with them and pray for them.
All my love,
Halley
P.S. I wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to NANCY who left a sweet, thoughtful comment. I love hearing that this reaches more people than I think and that they are affected. Nancy, your words were so touching and I know that you love and cherish your little ones. How lucky they are to have you.
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3 comments:
I saw your winning comment (congratulations!) on the "Charmed, I'm Sure" blog. I have been reading through yours and I am soooo excited for you! Your blog has definitely touched me and made me reflect on what I have to be thankful for. I think it's wonderful and unique that you are using your trials to uplift others and shatter the silence around this heartbreaking issue. You are going to be a wonderful Mommy! CONGRATULATIONS again! Stories like this make my day.
Congratulations Halley! I am so excited for your success! I went to high school with Nate. A friend referred me to your blog yesterday and it has been such a blessing to me! I started trying to get pregnant around the same time you did (May of 2007.) I'm on my 2nd fertility specialist, and starting treatment with clomid. The only difference between our "diagnosis" is that they have no idea what is causing our infertility, but decided just to go with clomid anyway. I started it this month and found that it produced too many mature follicles and was firbidden by the doctor to try to get pregnant at the risk of multiples. I'm thinking, "Do you know what I would give to have twins, triplets, even quadruplets at this point?" But doc says it's too dangerous, so I'm forced to actually prevent the chance of prenancy this month. One month of purposefully NOT allowing children to come into my arms has just about broken me. If doc says the same thing next month, I may just be irrational and ignore him. The treatments and invasive exams don't really bother me anymore after the desperate, endless months of heartbreak when my period comes again... and again... and again. It is a comfort to know I'm not alone in my struggles, that others have gone through the same and that Heavenly Father will eventually bless us with the desire of our hearts. Your success gives me hope. :)
My infertility is still a secret to most. It's hard to keep up the wall, but I think for me it would be harder if everyone knew because I'd receive even more of the ignorant comments that we know so well...
Thank you for sharing your story. It has blessed my life and given me some moments of peace in this seemingly endless trial...
I hope you'll continue to post your progress and definitely post pictures of your little miracle when the time comes!
Sincerely,
K
what a sweet post! hope you're feeling okay!
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