I've already been talking about my struggle to have a baby, but I thought I would start an "official" diary of the doctors appointments, meds, cycles, etc. It may get a little personal, but if you're O.K. with it, so am I.
I finally "started" today for the first time since April. I don't know why I have been so off lately. I've still been taking all of the same medications. My doctors have no explanations either. In a day or two I will start another round of chlomid to try and get me to ovulate. I am feeling VERY skeptical because chlomid has never worked for me, but I've never combined it with the metformin that I am taking every day to normalize my hormones. I'm really not expecting anything, but just giving it a shot. It is so hard to keep yourself calm and not get your hopes up. My hopes are ALWAYS up and that's why with every failure I am heartbroken.
I was going to take the whole summer off of infertility treatments. One, because my doctor is in Minnesota and two, because I needed a break from the emotional roller coaster. I realized that this summer wasn't panning out to be much of a "break" from the turmoil that I've been feeling ever since this ride started. So, I took a trip to my doctor here and she is getting me going again.
I'll start the chlomid in a couple of days and I am supposed to monitor my temperature daily to see if it goes up at all. Please, please, please...
So, here we go.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
P.S. TTC= trying to conceive
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Being Sensitive to Couples without Children...
Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug. 2000, 61•
"Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.
• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility. "
***Very often, my friends or others express their difficulty to me of interacting with women who strugggle with infertility. I realize that they want very much to offer comfort and support, but are terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. I found this article on http://www.providentliving.org/ under helpful information.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
"Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.
• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility. "
***Very often, my friends or others express their difficulty to me of interacting with women who strugggle with infertility. I realize that they want very much to offer comfort and support, but are terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. I found this article on http://www.providentliving.org/ under helpful information.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Monday, July 21, 2008
Bittersweet...
A new look at the word "bittersweet." It seems that this word describes me to the "t." I am bitter on the inside and sweet on the outside. This is my identity right now, not that I am proud of it.
I actually despise the word "bitter" because it sounds so harsh and awful, but I cannot escape from it. It is extremely painful for me to see happy new moms or moms-to-be. They are all just so beautiful to me, but I cannot help but feel a stab in the stomach with each pregnant belly. With each stab is another dose of the "bitter" poison. But, I cannot let it show. I HAVE to be positive and think of the many different ways in which my life is blessed. I have to make everyone think that I am "enduring this well." I wish I were enduring this well, but I am not strong enough. I still have to pretend that with each announcement of someone's pregnancy, that I am unaffected. And yet, I fight back the tears, force a smile, and offer a "congratulations."
I'll just go ahead and blame the doctor... :) A month ago I was happy and hopeful. Even only a few weeks ago I was fine. My body has a way of tricking me into thinking that it is finally my turn. It has been almost ten weeks and I have not had a period. Normally, this wouldn't make me think twice. I've gone eight months before without having a period and so ten weeks is nothing. Except, now I have been on a drug called metformin for about five months. Metformin is designed for diabetics, but has proven to regulate the periods of women who have PCOS. And up until now, it has been working like a charm, but has not helped me to ovulate on my own yet. I heard that takes a little time. Just because you have a period does not mean you are ovulating, FYI. So, since April, no period...
I couldn't help but think that I was finally pregnant. I took tests after a few weeks of my missed period and, of course, they were negative. Always negative. (so hard to be positive when all you see is negative) I convinced myself that maybe the tests were wrong, or that it was still too early to tell, so I called my doctor in MN. All he did was prescribe me some medicine to induce a period with no explanation. I was not convinced and wanted a second opinion. The doctor here did a blood pregnancy test and it came back negative. (of course) I'm still waiting to hear back on some more blood work that she did, but she also did not have an explanation as to why my periods have come to a halt.
So, I sit here back at the blasted drawing board again. It's painful and so old, but it's my life and I have to find some way to make the best of it.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
I actually despise the word "bitter" because it sounds so harsh and awful, but I cannot escape from it. It is extremely painful for me to see happy new moms or moms-to-be. They are all just so beautiful to me, but I cannot help but feel a stab in the stomach with each pregnant belly. With each stab is another dose of the "bitter" poison. But, I cannot let it show. I HAVE to be positive and think of the many different ways in which my life is blessed. I have to make everyone think that I am "enduring this well." I wish I were enduring this well, but I am not strong enough. I still have to pretend that with each announcement of someone's pregnancy, that I am unaffected. And yet, I fight back the tears, force a smile, and offer a "congratulations."
I'll just go ahead and blame the doctor... :) A month ago I was happy and hopeful. Even only a few weeks ago I was fine. My body has a way of tricking me into thinking that it is finally my turn. It has been almost ten weeks and I have not had a period. Normally, this wouldn't make me think twice. I've gone eight months before without having a period and so ten weeks is nothing. Except, now I have been on a drug called metformin for about five months. Metformin is designed for diabetics, but has proven to regulate the periods of women who have PCOS. And up until now, it has been working like a charm, but has not helped me to ovulate on my own yet. I heard that takes a little time. Just because you have a period does not mean you are ovulating, FYI. So, since April, no period...
I couldn't help but think that I was finally pregnant. I took tests after a few weeks of my missed period and, of course, they were negative. Always negative. (so hard to be positive when all you see is negative) I convinced myself that maybe the tests were wrong, or that it was still too early to tell, so I called my doctor in MN. All he did was prescribe me some medicine to induce a period with no explanation. I was not convinced and wanted a second opinion. The doctor here did a blood pregnancy test and it came back negative. (of course) I'm still waiting to hear back on some more blood work that she did, but she also did not have an explanation as to why my periods have come to a halt.
So, I sit here back at the blasted drawing board again. It's painful and so old, but it's my life and I have to find some way to make the best of it.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
A Much Needed Trip to the Doctor...
I'm a little hesitant about sharing the details of my struggle to get pregnant in such a public way, but I'll tighten my fists, grit my teeth, hold my breath, and let it all spill out.
Today I went to the doctor for a routine yearly check-up. This is the yearly exam that almost all womed dread. (you know what I'm talking about) :) I decided way ahead of time that it would be a good idea to ask some questions about all of my fertility treatment. Kill two birds with one stone. I've been trying all summer to distract myself from all of it, but that hasn't solved anything. I was feeling like I had taken two, no... ten thousand giant steps back because the metformin that I have been taking for the past fews months suddenly stopped working.
Some one throw me a bone!
After the super fun examination and many questions asked and answered the doc and I came up with a new game plan. Now, we're going to try the metformin with some chlomid and see if that works. I'm still pretty skeptical because my body is proving to be so blasted stubborn! :) I guess we'll see what happens...
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Today I went to the doctor for a routine yearly check-up. This is the yearly exam that almost all womed dread. (you know what I'm talking about) :) I decided way ahead of time that it would be a good idea to ask some questions about all of my fertility treatment. Kill two birds with one stone. I've been trying all summer to distract myself from all of it, but that hasn't solved anything. I was feeling like I had taken two, no... ten thousand giant steps back because the metformin that I have been taking for the past fews months suddenly stopped working.
Some one throw me a bone!
After the super fun examination and many questions asked and answered the doc and I came up with a new game plan. Now, we're going to try the metformin with some chlomid and see if that works. I'm still pretty skeptical because my body is proving to be so blasted stubborn! :) I guess we'll see what happens...
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Monday, July 14, 2008
Some Inspiration From President Thomas S. Monson...
This is such a beautiful quote from President Thomas S. Monson's talk entitled "Enjoy the Journey:"
"Our mortal life was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each who runs the race of life: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? To finish life's race involves enduring through challenges and trials to the very end of life itself."
*** I can't help but think to myself, what an incredible man Thomas S. Monson is. He is such an inspired prophet of God. So many times I think that I cannot bear one more trial or heartbreak, but then somewhere, somehow I find myself making it through.
It is because of a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior that we can "endure the race of life." I am so grateful for the hand that reaches for mine when I am down and needing a lift. Sometimes it's hard to take it, but after I've grabbed on I've found myself stronger in His grasp and more willing to endure the painful "race."
Never Giving Up,
Halley
"Our mortal life was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each who runs the race of life: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? To finish life's race involves enduring through challenges and trials to the very end of life itself."
*** I can't help but think to myself, what an incredible man Thomas S. Monson is. He is such an inspired prophet of God. So many times I think that I cannot bear one more trial or heartbreak, but then somewhere, somehow I find myself making it through.
It is because of a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior that we can "endure the race of life." I am so grateful for the hand that reaches for mine when I am down and needing a lift. Sometimes it's hard to take it, but after I've grabbed on I've found myself stronger in His grasp and more willing to endure the painful "race."
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Oprah's "Wombs for Rent"
Today I watched a very interesting story on Oprah entitled "Wombs for Rent." The entire show mainly focused on couples who suffer from infertility. What a coincidence!! Oprah said that one in every six couples suffer from it. An overwhelming statistic when, most of the time, I feel so alone in this journey.
Lisa Ling did an investigation of women in India who become surrogates for American women. The surrogates are required to undergo many pre-requisites before they are allowed to carry another woman's child. For instance, they must already have at least one of their own children to lower the risk of them becoming attached to the child they are carrying for someone else. Also, during their surrogacy pregnancy, they do not live at home, but at a clinic where they are monitored 24 hours a day. These Indian angels who decide to do this are compensated very generously. With the compensation that comes from this sacrifice, they are able to completely change the lives of their families. Lisa Ling made a very touching comment. She said it was neat how these Indian women were helping these women in the U.S. and vice versa. A very touching story. Something very dear to my heart.
It is uplifting for me to hear someone else's story and deep desperate desire to have a baby. As heart wrenching as it is, it somewhat comforts me because I can entirely relate. Someone who has never struggled to have a baby of their own really cannot understand the intense pain that comes with failure after failure of trying to get pregnant. PCOS infertility really does change you as a person. I feel like I have gone through the mourning process in a way, but it continues to circulate over and over. I feel the denial, anger, deep sadness, acceptance all out of order in a continuous merry-go-round. It never stops on one emotion, it is always changing. I think that's what makes it so hard for me. The fact that just because I've already felt that denial and anger doesn't mean that those feelings will never return.
Lisa Ling did an investigation of women in India who become surrogates for American women. The surrogates are required to undergo many pre-requisites before they are allowed to carry another woman's child. For instance, they must already have at least one of their own children to lower the risk of them becoming attached to the child they are carrying for someone else. Also, during their surrogacy pregnancy, they do not live at home, but at a clinic where they are monitored 24 hours a day. These Indian angels who decide to do this are compensated very generously. With the compensation that comes from this sacrifice, they are able to completely change the lives of their families. Lisa Ling made a very touching comment. She said it was neat how these Indian women were helping these women in the U.S. and vice versa. A very touching story. Something very dear to my heart.
It is uplifting for me to hear someone else's story and deep desperate desire to have a baby. As heart wrenching as it is, it somewhat comforts me because I can entirely relate. Someone who has never struggled to have a baby of their own really cannot understand the intense pain that comes with failure after failure of trying to get pregnant. PCOS infertility really does change you as a person. I feel like I have gone through the mourning process in a way, but it continues to circulate over and over. I feel the denial, anger, deep sadness, acceptance all out of order in a continuous merry-go-round. It never stops on one emotion, it is always changing. I think that's what makes it so hard for me. The fact that just because I've already felt that denial and anger doesn't mean that those feelings will never return.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
"I did not give this to myself, but I am the only one who can dig myself out of this hole."
"...I just read a sentence in the 'Hormonal Balance' book that said 'PCOS is not your fault. You did not give it to yourself.' When I read this six months ago, it made me feel helpless. Yes, the weight gain, etc was not my fault, and contrary to what some people told me, I did not give myself pcos, but it made me feel out of control.
Now I look at it as, no, I did not do this to myself, but I am the only one who can dig myself out of this hole. I like a challenge, and this is one I am ready to face.
There will always be hard days. I cried myself to sleep last night after hearing of a few people who conceived after a couple of weeks trying, but that is not me. I'm different, and I have to do things differently.
The hardest fought things are those we appreciate the most. I keep repeating the words to that old song 'It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight.'
I just know when I get my health back and hopefully finally have a baby, that I will NOT take it for granted. I no longer listen to negative opinions, and I try not to compare myself to those people who can get pregnant easily. The only way to get through is to focus on yourself. You deserve it."
- "Living With PCOS" by Mandy Knapp; www.pcoscoach.com
***This article really touched my heart today and I felt like it would be valuable to share. In my religion, I cannot help but compare myself to all of those women who can get pregnant practically whenever they want. It makes me feel so useless as a woman knowing that I can't. It is maddening at times and it takes all my strength to calm myself down and keep fighting. I really love how she quotes the song, "It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight." Although, I am not so sure I like the "fight" all that much, but I have not been given that choice. So I fight on, desperately hoping to have a baby.
It is so true, you cannot compare yourself to everyone else and that is much easier said than done, but there it is.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Now I look at it as, no, I did not do this to myself, but I am the only one who can dig myself out of this hole. I like a challenge, and this is one I am ready to face.
There will always be hard days. I cried myself to sleep last night after hearing of a few people who conceived after a couple of weeks trying, but that is not me. I'm different, and I have to do things differently.
The hardest fought things are those we appreciate the most. I keep repeating the words to that old song 'It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight.'
I just know when I get my health back and hopefully finally have a baby, that I will NOT take it for granted. I no longer listen to negative opinions, and I try not to compare myself to those people who can get pregnant easily. The only way to get through is to focus on yourself. You deserve it."
- "Living With PCOS" by Mandy Knapp; www.pcoscoach.com
***This article really touched my heart today and I felt like it would be valuable to share. In my religion, I cannot help but compare myself to all of those women who can get pregnant practically whenever they want. It makes me feel so useless as a woman knowing that I can't. It is maddening at times and it takes all my strength to calm myself down and keep fighting. I really love how she quotes the song, "It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight." Although, I am not so sure I like the "fight" all that much, but I have not been given that choice. So I fight on, desperately hoping to have a baby.
It is so true, you cannot compare yourself to everyone else and that is much easier said than done, but there it is.
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Friday, July 4, 2008
The First Question: What is PCOS?
I found this great article on www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com :
"In each menstrual cycle, follicles grow on the ovaries. Eggs develop within those follicles, one of which will reach maturity faster than the others and be released into the fallopian tubes. This is 'ovulation.' The remaining follicles will degenerate.
In the case of polycystic ovaries, however, the ovaries are larger than normal, and there are a series of undeveloped follicles that appear in clumps, somewhat like a bunch of grapes. Polycystic ovaries are not especially troublesome and may not even affect your fertility." (If you're lucky)
"However, when the cysts cause a hormonal imbalance, a pattern of symptoms may develop. This pattern of symptoms is called a syndrome. These symptoms are the difference between suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome and from polycystic ovaries.
So you can have polycystic ovaries without having PCOS. However, nearly all women with PCOS will have polycystic ovaries. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is the name given to a metabolic condition in which a woman will have polycystic ovaries, along with a certain pattern of other symptoms that reflect imbalances in reproductive and other hormones.
We referred to polycystic ovarian syndrome as a “metabolic" disorder. By this we mean that there are numerous factors in basic body processes that have gone awry. Because your body is a unified whole, a problem or dysfunction in one area causes dysfunction in other areas. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is a dysfunction that is related to your whole body, not just your ovaries."
Never Giving Up,
Halley
"In each menstrual cycle, follicles grow on the ovaries. Eggs develop within those follicles, one of which will reach maturity faster than the others and be released into the fallopian tubes. This is 'ovulation.' The remaining follicles will degenerate.
In the case of polycystic ovaries, however, the ovaries are larger than normal, and there are a series of undeveloped follicles that appear in clumps, somewhat like a bunch of grapes. Polycystic ovaries are not especially troublesome and may not even affect your fertility." (If you're lucky)
"However, when the cysts cause a hormonal imbalance, a pattern of symptoms may develop. This pattern of symptoms is called a syndrome. These symptoms are the difference between suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome and from polycystic ovaries.
So you can have polycystic ovaries without having PCOS. However, nearly all women with PCOS will have polycystic ovaries. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is the name given to a metabolic condition in which a woman will have polycystic ovaries, along with a certain pattern of other symptoms that reflect imbalances in reproductive and other hormones.
We referred to polycystic ovarian syndrome as a “metabolic" disorder. By this we mean that there are numerous factors in basic body processes that have gone awry. Because your body is a unified whole, a problem or dysfunction in one area causes dysfunction in other areas. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is a dysfunction that is related to your whole body, not just your ovaries."
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Unfortunately, Hello...
I say that only because I wish PCOS did not exist. And it is unfortunate that I, along with many other women, greet this syndrome into my life...
I have been living in awareness of my PCOS for almost a year, and trying to have a baby for much longer. In my circle of darling, sweet, fertile friends, I have been feeling very much alone and have needed some sort of an outlet to express my emotions. I am also looking to educate myself further and hopefully others as well. I am not a doctor, but a patient trying to understand the effects of PCOS and the army I can build against it.
I invite all and any to share thoughts, questions (remember, I am not a doctor), advice, etc. of which I would love to post on this blog to offer further comfort to those suffering. :) A little community diary, if you will. :)
Please join me. Maybe if we all gang up on PCOS, it will run away with its tail between its legs. :)
Never Giving Up,
Halley
I have been living in awareness of my PCOS for almost a year, and trying to have a baby for much longer. In my circle of darling, sweet, fertile friends, I have been feeling very much alone and have needed some sort of an outlet to express my emotions. I am also looking to educate myself further and hopefully others as well. I am not a doctor, but a patient trying to understand the effects of PCOS and the army I can build against it.
I invite all and any to share thoughts, questions (remember, I am not a doctor), advice, etc. of which I would love to post on this blog to offer further comfort to those suffering. :) A little community diary, if you will. :)
Please join me. Maybe if we all gang up on PCOS, it will run away with its tail between its legs. :)
Never Giving Up,
Halley
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
