TTC Diaries Part Six

All I have to say is that waiting stinks... :)

Feels Like Finals Week!

I say that only because Nate and I have so many doctors appointments scheduled this week and I had one last week already. So many tests that it feels like finals week! :)

This morning I popped in to the doctor for more blood work. She wanted to do another TSH (thyroid check) because my last blood work came back low for TSH. That means that my thyroid is a little OVER active and would require a lower dose of medication. My doctor wanted to test it again just to make sure that lowering my prescription is the right thing. When I was first diagnosed w/hypo thyroid (UNDER active thyroid), my TSH was SUPER high. That's why she's questioning lowering my dose. She also did a progesterone test which is the hormone that your body needs to produce a lot of to support the inner lining of the uterus when you are pregnant. (your body produces lots of this near the end of your cycle and if you are not pregnant then your inner lining sheds and Aunt Flow comes a knocking) She said that doing this test can MAYBE give us a better idea if I COULD be pregnant... So nerve-racking! :) I'm supposed to get all the results tomorrow and will not be able to take a pregnancy test until Sunday; granted my period doesn't show up.

THEN, on Wednesday, Nate and I both have physicals for the adoption process. (yes, we are doing that also) Nate ALSO has his little "test" that same day. Poor kid. :) This is how he quotes it: (it's a little gross, so don't read it if you think it might make you uncomfortable) "I get to go early in the morning to get felt up and then a couple hours later I have to do it in a cup." HA! I think he is so funny!!! BIG DAY for Nate! What a sweetheart to go through all of this for me and our little family.

So I'm hoping we pass all of our tests this week w/flying colors!

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Five: GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE!

I had to go back to the doctor a couple days ago for a follow-up after taking the chlomid. They always want to check your ovaries to make sure that the chlomid didn't over stimulate them causing cysts. Everything looked good AND she even said that she thinks I ovulated!!!! Where's the confetti? I even told her about the whole sunburn thing and she didn't think that mattered. I am just floating right now hoping and hoping... :) If my temp. continues to stay above 98.0 degrees for the next day or two, then the doctor said that I FOR SURE ovulated. It HAS been staying up as I've been checking it so I am SO excited! If I don't get my period by the time that we are leaving to go back to MN (which is in a about a week) then I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test. I know you can't see me as I am writing this, but I am just elated and ready to dance around all day like it was Christmas! :)

I have one more trip to the doctor on Monday for some more blood work and Nate is going in to the doctor on Wednesday for his little "test." I am hoping that all of his results come back normal. I'm pretty sure they will, but you never know.

So, YAY!!!! Could this FINALLY be it?

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Four: Cross Your Fingers...

So, I woke up this morning and took my temperature just like every other day not expecting a thing. You know, ho hum... And then, wait a minute, what's this? Are you serious? Really? Let me just double check...and again...and again. Yep! My temperature is FINALLY UP!!!! A WHOLE degree! It has been hanging around 97.6-97.8 for the past few days and today it was up to 98.8!!!! Now THAT'S what we've been waiting for! HOORAY!!!! Could this be it? Please, please, please...

Unfortunately, I do have to add a little downer to this post. Sorry. It's just that I'm worried that the only reason my temp was up today was because I'm all sunburned from boating yesterday. That, and also, while I had the thermometer in my mouth this morning I wasn't laying down like you're supposed to. I didn't have time because I was up walking around and getting laundry out of the washing machine to put in the dryer. I'm just guessing that ALL of these could be a factor in contributing to the possible flop of a higher temp. I guess well see...

Hey, how about we wait some more? :)

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Three: When the Going Gets Tough...

Well, it's day 17 and no ovulation yet. We've been "trying" every other day since the 8th day and both of us are just tired. I have to give major props to my sweet husband for being such a trooper through all of this. The more days that go by where my BMT does not increase, the more stress, anxiety, anger, disapointment, and plain sadness I feel. It's very hard to keep going feeling this way, but my sweetheart has been keeping me going. I could never get through this without him and I love him so much for that.

I was able to get in touch with my old work in MN and they said I could definitely have my job back when we returned. So, I go back to work on the 4th. I feel grateful for the ease of being able to return to my old job, but I also feel a deep sense of defeat. I was so hopeful and almost positive that I would defninitely be pregnant by the time we got home to MN and instead, there has been no progress.

Last year in Minnesota was the most difficult of my whole life mainly because I felt like such an outsider. I do not want to return to that, but I have no choice. If I thought I could stand not seeing my husband for a few months I'd ask him to let me stay here and work, but there is no way I could stand being without him. He has been my strength and without him I would completely crumble.

So, we keep going... We pray, hope, fast, cry, and plead for a baby. Wishing desperately to be heard; having so much love to give. And just like the video a couple posts back, we wait...

Never Giving Up,

Halley

Dear Kate...

I received a very inspiring comment from a young woman who fought for her dream and was finally given her chance to be a mother. I have to share it... (I hope she doesn't mind) :)

"My fertility journey started four and a half years ago. We "tried" for about 7 months. I had a feeling something wasn't right. We saw an OB and he tried one round of artificial insemination. You know, a dose of clomid and then the procedure. When it didn't work, I didn't feel great about going back, so I scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist (and thank goodness, we would have wasted a bunch of money had we stayed with that clueless OB). Once we got in I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries (not the syndrome) and my husband with low sperm count, we tried several more rounds of AI with no success. We took a break for 3 months from more fertility procedures, and started our paperwork for adoption. (figured we may as well try everything we could, and we felt really good about adoption). We tried a few more rounds of AI and after those failed, I was done and we decided to try in-vitro. When that failed, I was really done. We then decided to put all our focus on adoption. A year into waiting (and 3 months after the failed in-vitro) for a baby, we got a call about a baby in Oregon. We flew out there, met the birthmom, waited for a week for her to deliver, then the birthparents decided to get married and we left without a baby. That, by far, was the hardest thing I have been through. Harder then all the failed fertility treatments. About 5 months after the failed adoption, we got an email from another birth mother. We met her, she was only 2.5 mo. along in her pregnancy, she chose us to be the parents to her baby and so we started waiting. We felt different about this situation. We went to doctor appointments with her, we went to the ultrasound appointment with her and found out we were having a boy. We were thrilled!!! Our son was born almost exactly a year after our failed adoption and after 3 years of "trying". He is the light of our lives.

I wouldn't trade any of what I have been through for anything. What I have gained as a result of our infertility has been a great blessing to me. It is something I treasure and hold dear.

I have learned and grown and become such a better person because of all I have experienced. It has made me a better mother, wife, friend and daughter. If I could get pregnant tomorrow but I had to trade all that I gained from this trial, I would turn it down in a heart beat. Recently I have jumped the hurdle in this whole infertility journey that if I never conceive a child in this life, I am ok with that. Our adoption was such a wonderful gift and I can't wait to do it again.

I was recently reading a blog post about infertility that I thought summed up my feelings about this whole journey perfectly. She wrote:'It has now almost been a year since my stalled infertility. I came to know that pregnancy carries with it it's own special bag of insecurities and anxieties. Should I be blessed with that once-assumed ample fertility from here on out I will be ever so grateful. If not, and my months of wishes return I will also be grateful. And this is why: Something still grows inside a woman who doesn't conceive a baby. In her grows character that is consumed with confidence, humility and desire. A symbolic embryo that is hers to nurture and others to behold.And its birth is phenomenal.'Nurture your symbolic embryo. Because it's there and it's growing. And it's beautiful and something to be proud of."

***Wow Kate! I am breathless from all this. Thank you so much for sharing your incredible story with me. I am so touched and so happy for you and your family. You are a "survivor" and an inspiration. I hope I can strive for the attitude you have embraced. I still stuggle quite a bit, but I know that someday it will be my turn, however it happens. And I LOVED the quote you shared also. It is so comforting and empowering. THANK YOU! :)

Never Giving Up,

Halley

Wow! Break out the Kleenex...

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Please watch this video. Especially if you are waiting and waiting for your day to come when you can hang that plus sign triumphantly on your fridge.

Never Giving Up,

Halley

TTC Diaries Part Two: Small Recap

I don't think I have fully documented all of the treatments that Nate and I have undergone, so I thought I would catch you up. I should have posted this information a long time ago, but I was so caught up in the now. Sorry about that.

So, it all began in April of 2007 when I FINALLY convinced my husband that we should try and have a baby. This was a tough persuasion because he still had another two years of law school and we didn't anticipate trying until his third year. (which would be now) After several months of no menstruation I became a little worried and called the doctor. I new that it took a while for your body to recover after being on birth control (BC) for so long, but this was getting a little ridiculous. The doctor prescribed me some medication to induce a period thinking that it would jump start my cycle. I had the induced period and then again, no period for another several months. Back to the doctor, this time a fertility specialist. He thought I could have a condition called PCOS *ding ding!* and wanted to start some fertility treatments which would be a BIG investment especially since my dead-beat insurance didn't cover a dime.

I decided that I had better talk to Nate about all of this and see what he was up for. With all the prescriptions and ultra sounds to check the follicle stimulation, it was going to be pricey. Plus, they wanted to get Nate tested. We decided to go along with all of it except for testing Nate. It was just too expensive and it seemed obvious that I was the one with the problems.

ROUND ONE:
The doctor started me off with some chlomid and was very confident that it was all I would need. Not so much. It started with medication to induce a period and a base-line ultrasound to make sure everything looked good before starting the chlomid. Then, if things looked good, (and they did) I would start taking the chlomid a couple days after my cycle started. After taking the chlomid I had to come back in for another ultrasound to observe the follicle stimulation.

What you want, essentially, is for one follicle (follicles contain the eggs) to dominate and grow larger than all the others. The ultrasound should show a very large black spot in either ovary. Unfortunately, mine showed a bunch of little black spots all over both my ovaries. That meant that the chlomid did not work and it was then that the doctor decided for sure that I had PCOS. So that was a bust and I was so disappointed.

ROUND TWO:
We decided to try the exact same procedure again, but this time with a higher dose of chlomid and again, no success. So much money being spent and no baby in my tummy. I was starting to feel anxious, betrayed, confused, unloved, and worthless. Like, "I'm a woman aren't I? I am supposed to have children! What good am I if I can't?" And then you notice EVERYBODY who is expecting and you start to feel like someone forgot you or doesn't love you as much and does not think that you are fit to be a mother. I had to try to think as logically as I could and tell myself that I was loved and not forgotten. It is still a battle every day.

ROUND THREE:
I was done with chlomid. I hated it; it did not work, and it was pointless to take it. My doctor wanted to simply up my dose of chlomid again, but I suggested trying injections. I had heard that they were very effective and I didn't want to try and fail AGAIN. So, we went for it. The medication alone was 1,200 dollars and then you add all of my other medications plus the ultrasounds to monitor the follicles. YIPES! I felt like I was completely draining my family of all our resources for nothing. Again, no success.

That's all I could take. I was completely spent and needed a break. I can't remember if I started taking the metformin during the injections (I think I was) or after. I just remember still having hope that in a few months, while we were in Utah, the met would not only keep my cycles regular (which it had been doing), but it would eventually get me to ovulate.

As you already know, the last period I had before they had to, again, induce one was April 24th. The day before my birthday. That was the worst birthday ever. I thought it would be a wonderful birthday gift to finally pee on a stick (POAS) and see a plus sign. I didn't want to see anyone especially people who had just given birth or were pregnant. It was a struggle to go to church every week and watch all of the young families knowing that you were still miles and miles away from achieving your own dream of being a mother. I stayed home on Mother's Day. It was not fun. Nate was gone all day studying for finals and I was all alone. A dear sweet friend in the ward dropped by with some crescents and cards that my Young Women had written for me. I was so touched and it completely made my day. Those cards will be a keepsake in my house forever.

So, now its back to square one again. We have decided to finally get Nate tested and I am on the fourth day of my chlomid. I am not having any ultrasounds this time, just monitoring my temperature. I'm preparing myself for another failure because that's all I know, but I am also hoping for the best. You have to protect yourself the best that you can in this situation.

Sorry, that wasn't much of a "small" recap. :)

Never Giving Up,

Halley

P.S. TTC=trying to conceive