Bittersweet...

A new look at the word "bittersweet." It seems that this word describes me to the "t." I am bitter on the inside and sweet on the outside. This is my identity right now, not that I am proud of it.

I actually despise the word "bitter" because it sounds so harsh and awful, but I cannot escape from it. It is extremely painful for me to see happy new moms or moms-to-be. They are all just so beautiful to me, but I cannot help but feel a stab in the stomach with each pregnant belly. With each stab is another dose of the "bitter" poison. But, I cannot let it show. I HAVE to be positive and think of the many different ways in which my life is blessed. I have to make everyone think that I am "enduring this well." I wish I were enduring this well, but I am not strong enough. I still have to pretend that with each announcement of someone's pregnancy, that I am unaffected. And yet, I fight back the tears, force a smile, and offer a "congratulations."

I'll just go ahead and blame the doctor... :) A month ago I was happy and hopeful. Even only a few weeks ago I was fine. My body has a way of tricking me into thinking that it is finally my turn. It has been almost ten weeks and I have not had a period. Normally, this wouldn't make me think twice. I've gone eight months before without having a period and so ten weeks is nothing. Except, now I have been on a drug called metformin for about five months. Metformin is designed for diabetics, but has proven to regulate the periods of women who have PCOS. And up until now, it has been working like a charm, but has not helped me to ovulate on my own yet. I heard that takes a little time. Just because you have a period does not mean you are ovulating, FYI. So, since April, no period...

I couldn't help but think that I was finally pregnant. I took tests after a few weeks of my missed period and, of course, they were negative. Always negative. (so hard to be positive when all you see is negative) I convinced myself that maybe the tests were wrong, or that it was still too early to tell, so I called my doctor in MN. All he did was prescribe me some medicine to induce a period with no explanation. I was not convinced and wanted a second opinion. The doctor here did a blood pregnancy test and it came back negative. (of course) I'm still waiting to hear back on some more blood work that she did, but she also did not have an explanation as to why my periods have come to a halt.

So, I sit here back at the blasted drawing board again. It's painful and so old, but it's my life and I have to find some way to make the best of it.

Never Giving Up,

Halley